Needles, Fishbowls, and Herbs

Let's pretend that you are the sick one for a moment. You've been sick for years with a lot of difficult symptoms. You have been to multiple western doctors and had umpteen loads (a very precise number) of tests. All of your normal doctors tell you you are a normal and healthy human being. You know you are not. And I know that you are not. Fortunately for you, I have a friend who thinks they can help. This person practices acupuncture. Because I think you deserve to know what you're getting into, I decide to tell you how your journey will begin.

First, my friend is going to make you undress and get into a paper nightgown. Then she will take your pulses. This is not western medicine, where you and I are familiar with one pulse. This is acupuncture where you have multiple pulses, all taken at about the same location on your arm. Then, my friend is going to evaluate your tongue. It may look swollen or a slightly wrong shade of red, but don't worry that is treatable. But here's where your journey gets really interesting. After the evaluation my friend is going to stick needles in you. Not just one or two, but maybe two dozen. The needles don't hurt, but you are very aware that they are in your shins and hands and feet and arms. My friend leaves you; you begin to feel a little drugged and eventually nod off to sleep until my friend comes back over an hour later. You turn over onto your stomach. In go more needles. They are up and down either parts of your spine, in your neck, in the backs of your legs. After another hour you are done. My friend tells you that you may be ill after the first treatment. And you are. That evening you can barely lift your head. You are nauseated. You ache. Your muscles feel heavy and tired. Your digestive system is upset. You feel feverish. It will last an entire week, but don't worry, you have another acupuncture appointment the following week, after which you will be ill again. Again, don't worry. Soon my friend will also give you herbs (all legal, of course) and then heat very tiny fishbowls and put them on your back to such out all of the toxins.

If you grew up with traditional western medicine, then by now you probably think I'm crazy. But here's the thing - acupuncture has been around for thousands of years; and it is a central method of health care for hundreds of millions of people. It also happens to be covered by your health insurance. So why not give it a try?