The Depths of Illness - Irritability

2005 - Present:

Ingrid is living in Boston. I am visiting. She comes home after work. I'm sitting on the couch. She leans over to kiss me. I pull away. My face is sensitive. I'm hot. I'm annoyed. I have no idea why. Nothing bad happened. I felt good relative to how I normally feel. Ingrid tries to talk to me. I am annoyed by the questions about my day. It is difficult for me to answer. I want to tell her to leave me alone. I know I am being irrational, but I can't break my mood. It lasts for days on end.

My mood spills over into work. I grumble under my breath when asked to do anything. My boss, who is friends Ingrid, notices and asks how I'm doing. I can't stand the questions. One morning I show up to work at the time my boss asked. He shows up a few minutes later. I am irate that he was the slightest bit late. I struggle to keep my anger under control.

Ingrid and I move to San Diego. I look for a job without success. Ingrid tries to make suggestions. I can't believe her audacity. We argue. We start to cook in our small kitchen. I do not feel well. My abdomen hurts. I cannot think straight. At some point, I want to move from here to there but Ingrid is in my way. I ask her to move but am too impatient to wait for her to respond. I shove her aside. She runs off crying.

Ingrid and I fly to New Zealand. I get ill. Ingrid takes care of me. I resent the care. She asks me how I am. I resent the questions. She brings me dinner. I resent the food. We go to the hospital. I am irritated with the doctors. I can't make decisions. I feel helpless.

I cannot control the irritability. It comes. It goes. I feel guilty for being annoyed and acting childish. I feel like I'm pushing people away. I don't know how to stop.